The Importance of Checking In
A client recently reminded me of a remarkable practice that emerged at the outset of the pandemic. Leaders - many of whom had never done so before, started to proactively check in on the team’s wellbeing. Questions like, “Are you okay?”, “How are you doing today?”, “How are you feeling?”, and “How can I support you?” became the new norm for opening meetings, messages, and conversations.
In the darkness of the pandemic — of lost lives, social isolation, suffocating spaces, and caretaking overwhelm — a great gift was imparted to leaders across the globe. Suddenly, checking in was interpreted as caring rather than passing judgement, as welcoming rather than invasive.
As a leadership coach bearing witness to these experiences, it was heartening to hear of the impact that asking these questions had on leaders’ perspective-taking, empathy, and even compassion for their team members. Similarly, it was encouraging to witness the self-awareness that grew from individuals being asked these questions.
Too many of us bury ourselves in work as a way of denying our feelings, to our own detriment. Avoiding feelings does nothing to alleviate them, and in fact creates such inner turmoil that it often quickly manifests in numerous maladies — heart disease, hypertension, anxiety, depression, and even addiction.
Given the benefits of inviting others to reflect and share their mental and emotional state, I wonder -- Is there a way for this practice of checking in on an individual’s well-being to become an enduring habit? If so, how do we evolve it to fit our post-pandemic “business as usual” (or at least “new normal”) world? Here are a few tips I’ve picked up from my clients and adopted myself.
Tip 1: Acknowledge Crossover
While the shutdown of workplaces made it impossible to ignore the impact of life on work, there has always been (and will always be) significant crossover between the two. Our personal life impacts our work life. Our work life impacts our personal life. Leaders are wise to continue acknowledging these crossover effects. To do so requires being curious about events — World events, National events, even local/community events — that have an impact on your people. At the time of this writing, my own clients have used coaching sessions to discuss their feelings about:
Extreme weather events
The first anniversary of the war in Ukraine
Silicon Valley Bank’s failure
The reversal of Roe vs. Wade
Weekly reports of mass shootings in America
A recent fatal drug overdose at a community high school
While it’s impossible to know everything that’s going on in the background of the individuals around you — who live in different communities and have different affiliations with innumerable communities around the world — it’s easy enough to demonstrate that you care about the intersection between the events in people’s lives and the ways in which they are responding to those events. Here are a few examples of what you might say:
“It’s been such a warm winter for the Northeast US. How it the warming trend affecting you and your family?”
“I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Russia invaded Ukraine. How are you feeling about it?”
“I heard a news story about a student near you passing away in from a drug overdose. How are your kids feeling about it?”
Importantly, the purpose here is not to agree on a perspective. In fact, this is not the time nor the place to agree, disagree, or debate. Instead, you can ask these types of questions as a way of acknowledging that it’s normal to be impacted by the events around us. The way that people feel doesn’t need to be “fixed” – it is what it is. Rather than responding with your own thoughts and feelings, stay in inquiry mode. For example, you might ask, “What do you need for yourself right now?”, “What does ‘better’ look like, through your eyes?”, or “If you had a magic wand, how would you use it right now?” Then simply thank the person for sharing. It’s that simple. Through inquiry, you show you care about how people are doing in the context of events.
Indeed, I’m reminded of something I first learned from my colleague Chalmers Brothers: The events in our lives are far less influential on our lives that we tend to think. It’s the way we respond to the events in our lives that matters most. By creating the opportunity for people to talk about the events that are impacting them, you create the opportunity for them to be more mindful in how they respond. These moments of self-reflection and sharing can have far-reaching implications for health and well-being.
Tip 2: Be Vulnerable – Go First
If the approach in Tip 1 – acknowledging an event and inquiring how it’s affecting someone – seems awkward or intimidating, consider going first. Share how events are affecting you, then simply give others the space and time to share too. For example, this might sound like:
“It’s been so warm here this winter… on one hand, I’m enjoying the perpetual feeling of Spring. But on the other hand, it really worries me. I keep thinking about how this warming trend is going to impact the migration of birds, the flowers, the farmers – everything really.”
“I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Russia invaded Ukraine. We’ve been helping to resettle a Ukrainian family and it’s just heartbreaking to see them losing hope. I really worry what will happen if Ukraine doesn’t prevail.”
“I heard a news story about a student near you passing away from a drug overdose. It makes me terrified for my own son. In my day, we could make stupid mistakes, and the consequences were grounding, not dying.”
The key to success with this approach is to stop talking after you share and give the other person time to reflect and (potentially) reciprocate. Then, instead of continuing to talk about yourself, stay with them. Ask an open-ended question that invites them to say more, or just sit back and listen.
Tip 3: Find New Ways to Ask
While “Are you okay?” will likely come across as judgmental in the absence of some horrific event (e.g., “Why do you ask, what did I do wrong??”), it’s easy enough to come up with more fitting alternatives.
One option is to ask how people are doing in the context of specific events, as presented in Tip 1. For example, you might ask:
“How are you feeling about the CEO’s announcement last week?”
“How does the revised telework policy impact your daily work rhythms?”
“How are you managing the workload of your new assignments?”
In addition, you can also follow up on things that have been shared with you previously, e.g.:
“How’s your back pain this week?”
“How is your home renovation going?”
“How is your Mom/Dad/Son/Daughter/friend?”
The bottom line is that there are thousands of unique and individualized ways that leaders can evolve the questions that became normalized and acceptable during the pandemic. We don’t have to settle for reverting to our old patterns of “out of sight, out of mind”, and we can be powerful reminders that ignoring what’s going on outside of work doesn’t make it better. As leaders, colleagues, and community members, we can be a blessing to those around us by creating space for people to be real and to be attentive to their own wellbeing.
