Addressing Unhappiness
A client of mine recently asked, “How do I keep everyone happy without going insane?” I first imagined how others might respond to this. Some would say, “It’s not your job to keep everyone happy;” others may chime in, “You can’t please everyone.” While these responses hold truth, I don’t find them helpful. Happiness is a proven key to engagement and productivity. It matters. So what are we to do with those seemingly “unhappy” people who work for us, with us, or around us? In my experience, respectfully and courageously sharing our observations is the greatest gift that we can give. In this case, the observation is simply that they’re unhappy. “But how would I even bring that up?” my client asks. While there’s no perfect way, here are three ingredients of success:
Eliminate judgment
Activate empathy
Be direct and non-punishing
Listen to understand
Let’s explore each a bit deeper.
Eliminate judgment
Judgment only makes others defensive, and rightly so. Judgment means that we care more about what we think and feel than what the other person thinks and feels. Before addressing an unhappy colleague, you must eliminate all judgment from your mind, voice, and body. To do this, first identify any judgments you hold toward their unhappiness. For example: “They should consider themselves lucky”; “They started it”; “They deserve to be unhappy given how they perform and treat others”; etc. Treat these like boulders that weigh on you – put them down, and walk away.
Activate empathy
Empathy replaces judgment when we remind ourselves of what it’s like to feel a certain way, then use that insight to guide our interactions. Empathy toward an unhappy colleague simply takes remembering the last time that you were unhappy. Take yourself back to that place just long enough to remember what it was like. Remembering how unhappiness affected you will help you to be sensitive to their experience, even if their experience of “unhappy” isn’t the same as yours.
Be direct and non-punishing
With judgments behind you and from a place of understanding, lean in and share your observation. For example, “You’ve seemed quite unhappy for the past few months”; “I’ve noticed that you don’t smile and laugh as much as you used to”; “I miss the person who shared stories about their weekend adventure”; “Your work doesn’t seem to energize you anymore”; etc.
Listen to understand
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable,” says author and theologian David Augsburger. Deep listening is perhaps the greatest gift you can give to an unhappy colleague. Resist the temptation to fix. Don’t offer advice. Sometimes the best words are simply, “Thank you for sharing”; “I appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me”; “I hear you”; and “If it helps to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” I’ll end here for today. No, I haven’t addressed the situation in which someone complains but doesn’t do anything about it. Nor have I addressed the situation in which someone unfairly blames everyone else. But do I really have to? Think about it. How might you apply this same formula to one of these situations?
